Not Much Thought

I have to say that positng a blog, often times, is much more trouble than it's worth. Today I just wanted to express my thoughts on people and how they change you. Not much mind you, I have to get some food soon and I'm losing feeling in my fingers because of how cold it is.

Quite simply, people change you. I can't decide if it's the perception that they have of you and how it affects your behavior or what parts of your personality theirs brings out; or even if it's something completely and entirely different... but people change you. The scariest part of it for me, is that sometimes you don't see it. So this leaves me questioning sometimes, who am I really? When do I find out? Well I guess that all depends on how you define yourself... or better yet, how you allow yourself to be defined. Who do you allow to change you? Who do you allow to fill in the lines?

Just some simple processing. My thoughts cannot go any further, my stomach has taken control. Every pang of hunger demands I walk away from my current position and onto the promised land across the parking lot. It's concerning sometimes, how much I am led by hunger.

Rainy Rebellion

I wrote this about two weeks ago or so. It was a brilliant moment of my life. A little short, maybe...

It’s currently raining inside of my bedroom. Suddenly the floor holds along itself, an inch of water. Remarkably, the ceiling is entirely dry. Yet it falls, massive wet drops, soaking everything. I find myself unconcerned with the possibility of my wooden wardrobes destroying themselves as they saturate in the descending water. The couch holds me like a warm pair of arms, safe as the water rises. My mind wanders while I watch it refuse to let up. Then what about the paintings? Should I be concerned about them? It’s raining in my bedroom, what do I have to honestly worry about if a phenomenon that is rather unexplainable is truly occurring? Now as I look, I see myself as rather stubborn. It’s enjoyable really, even when my hair reaches that uncomfortable stickiness and holds itself to my face; I am too stubborn to let it be in any way concerning. I simply let myself enjoy every moment. It’s a rebellion. I realize that now; it’s a refusal. I mean, don’t you understand?! It’s raining in my room! Quite honestly, this might very well be the most marvelous and triumphant moment of my life! Why would I let a little bit of stringy, wet hair get in the way!? It’s raining in my room and the more that this becomes a revelation the harder it becomes to conceal my utter excitement and joy.

Mini Sermon

A few weeks ago, I gave my mini-sermon. It was a challenge. I hadn't given a word in a very long time, let alone the type of word I felt on my heart to give. Walking up there, I was more nervous than I thought possible for me to feel. Public speaking doesn't usually shake me. Something about this clasped my nerves in a firm, unrelenting grip. It wasn't until I got up there, closed my eyes and opened my heart in complete surrender that the Holy Spirit just came down and put me completely at ease. His word just came out of me. Whether people got something out of what I said or not, however much my ability to speak publicly might need to improve, that sermon was for me. They might not have been words that I personally needed to hear, but they were words that I personally needed to say. It was the purest form of expression… raw emotion and love-driven passion, guided by the Spirit. If it didn’t grow anyone else, it grew me, in confidence, in capability, in practicing what God’s put inside of me. While at the same time, I didn’t do it for me. It was out of complete and somewhat painful obedience. It was terrifying and yet so satisfying; which is so like His character. We serve a God who is crazy about our lives. He is all-powerful, sovereign and mighty… yet He cares about our lives; He takes in every detail and applies it to the Glory of who He is. Just leaves me awe-struck.

I was planning on putting up my sermon notes... but they disagree with the formatting on my laptop. I'm disappointed but I will have to deal.

The Sky is Falling in Water Form

Still a bit raw.

Whenever this weather hits, I fly back to Seattle. The sound of tire rubber turning against the wet pavement takes me home, always. Water displaced as cars drive through the streets wakes me up to the Seattle skyline again. The green pine trees glow their evergreen, mixed with the familiar and endless sound of rain falling through the oak leaves; that’s home. There’s a tearing pull on my heart to be there and not here, leaving me to compose lyrical thinking so I can articulate how I feel. There’s a throbbing intensity inside me when I think about the home that I’ve left. Yet, the inspiration of emotion isn’t enough to express everything that's going on inside of me right now. There is no hitting that consistent flow of creativity, only the lack thereof… of innovative thought in the life lived here… and that highly disappoints.

So then, let me return to the deep, sea-green Pacific, rich in colour and life. Let me take in the majesty of the snow peaked Olympics and their ever rising crests. Let me drive down each curvy road, into the forestry hills. Let me drown in the torrent of rain that will not relent in its battering claims. Let me run on the bike trails and gaze out at hazy horizons dipped in soft pinks and blues. Let me see the moon shining, its white face smiling at my being home again. Let me walk down a beach shore, barefoot despite the icy coolness of the gray and rocky sand. Let me climb up the rock face and look out at the jewel sapphires and emeralds cast together to make the sea and the land. Seagulls and land crabs, barnacles and ferry boats. Coyotes and robins, birch trees and waterfalls. Desert and forest, sea and the mountains... full of a variety of rain, snow, sun and all. I want to be there, I want to escape.

Here in this country, there are spiders and snakes. You’ll find the Blue Mountains, adventure, and a city that takes my breath away. It’s new and unfamiliar, extensive and spread out. Its people speak different and its sun will burn you up. As much as my heart has found a home here, on days like this I’m reminded that it isn’t my home. Days like this, it feels like the world is collapsing in on itself. When I look outside, it continually rains; the sky is falling in water form. I welcome it’s coming; it comes, and with it brings home to me. It comes to remind, to stir my heart to awakening… who I am… is not always who I choose to be.

There is a divide inside of me… of where I am, where I was and where I will be but remembering home brings me liberty. Changes I’ve gone through have been good and necessary but a balance of strength is maintained when keeping my history… it helps to keep the definition of my heart in line.

Some things are meant to stay a part of me. Seattle will always be a part of my make-up; it’s build into my blood. I was born there, I am home there and even if I wanted to, I could never give that up. My heart melts when I remember that I’m here and not there. But it’s a moment, a feeling, just a day and it’s dear to me. It will pass as it should pass… then my focus stays here where it needs to be. My time here isn’t over and when it is, my heart will break. But today I’m remembering home and I’m completely at ease. I’m happy I can think of it and have it bring back a feeling and thinking that I almost forgot. I’m inspired and awe-struck, motivated to create things... all I want to do is go home (here home) and paint. What it feels like, it feels like a river inside of me just broke through a dam… now comes an overflow as it all comes rushing out. Parts of who I am that have been held back, are pushing to the surface, they want to be let out. It's like this scream that's been sitting deep inside of me. Now restless it pushes to escape and be free. I want to express myself, to release emotion and cry. I want to laugh and just make noise, to shout and exclaim. The sky is falling and I'm fully alive.

The Middle of the Following Year

A year and a half.






































































































So much lost... yet where I am now is coming off of where I've been and what God has done. There's so much I actually forgot that I almost feel it completely right to start where I left off and fill you in. It will bring about, what I think to be, an entirely necessary reflection.























Oh, the coming of my journey to Hillsong and what that means in my life. Everything that has led me to this point and everything that has prepared me for my being here is entirely God's design. Every single person that I meet, every experience, every situation has been designed simply for me to witness the plan of God outworking itself in my life. All of it designed despite whether or not I am at a point with Him where I can see it. He has taken the unexpected parts I my life and transformed them completely for His own Glory and I will never cease to be amazed by the fact.




























































Why am I here? Here is a question I never want to forget the answer to. This answer was so strongly confirmed again and again and again. God brought me here. God wants me here. This is where He has decided to equip me and this is where He has been equipping me. Being far enough along into the journey now to have that season become much more of a daily reality rather than a fresh revelation, it becomes all the more easy to forget the purpose behind my everyday. But when the time is precisely right and it becomes most necessary, God reminds me. In that reminder always comes humility and grace. The overflow of His heart and love pours itself into my life. It blows my mind every single time and it leaves me speechless and in awe of the fact that the God who created the entire universe would take me, despite my failings and rebellion and turn my life into a declaration of His love!














































































Time and time again, God has reminded me of the things that He’s done in my time being here and how there is no other place in the entire world that He could have done any of those things. Everything about where He’s positioned me is exactly what it should be. The people are the exact people I need to know, the teaching is the exact teaching I need to hear, the culture is the exact culture I need to be wrapped up in. He’s doing and teaching me things that are so much bigger than me. His heart is overwhelming.